"HAPPY TEARS" Fan Funding

The Story Behind The Song

I cried endlessly. I didn’t care that people were staring at me as my unstoppable tears poured down my cheeks. I couldn't help it. I felt sick. Empty. Abandoned. 

That was a few years ago when my boyfriend at the time told me he didn't want more kids. I was devastated! I felt like I was rejected, he didn’t love me enough and my dreams were shattered.

I understand now that it didn’t mean he didn’t love me enough. We were just in very different places in our lives. But it was hard to hear and I was grieving for a very long time that I wouldn’t have kids with him - the person who I was so close to, my partner, the man I wanted to spend my life with. 

I’ve always wanted children but I didn’t have any rush. Even though in my early relationships, I remember thinking about the future and creating a family. 

But there was so much more in life and while I was searching for the man of my dreams, I was enjoying music, friends, touring and traveling. But in 2017 I started really thinking about it again - my biological clock was ticking… For so long I had tried to envision a life without kids and I was not ready to have a child on my own. 

But then, we got our beautiful puppy Lucy… 

She changed everything for me. She gave me so much love, trusted me, let me teach her new, exciting and scary things about life. And she made me feel like I had a purpose.. To be a mother. Because Lucy was my little baby puppy (she still is!) and she reminded me that I wanted something more. A family. 

The first few months, it was her and I, always together. I woke up several times every night to take her out and of course she wanted to have her breakfast really (I mean REALLY) early so we had been up for hours together before the day had even started. Luckily, she was ok with resting in my arms for a big part of the morning.

With this big change in my life I realized there was a void and also, that I would be a good mom, I could do this! This also happened in a heavy and emotional time, but even before, I had had, from time to time, the feeling of not belonging. I finally decided to do something for ME and I started the process of having a baby on my own. 

I won’t bore you with too much detail, but I can tell you that I started out with a great mindset and full of hope. But after several rounds of IVF treatments, failed embryo transfers, failed fertilizations, both my body and mind were exhausted. I started getting lots of weird physical issues even before I got pregnant, since my body was so jacked up on hormones. 

When I was at the bottom, feeling very depressed and not recognizing myself - I decided to take a break. But I had one frozen embryo left in the freezer and when I found out that I just would have time to transfer it the day before a tour in March this year, it felt like it was a sign. I had struggled to fit in both treatments and embryo transfers in between tours, and now it was perfect timing suddenly? I thought, I’ll just do it and then start fresh in a few months again.  

And on the last day of that tour, it was time to take a pregnancy test. Me - with no hope whatsoever, thought my body would never be able to receive an embryo in the states it was in - took the test and waited to be disappointed again. 

But WAIT!! Is that a line?? Does it mean I’m pregnant?! I had to call Elisabet so she could come and look at the test to make sure it was really saying “pregnant” 😆 I didn’t trust it! I also had her send a picture of the test to some of her midwife friends (she luckily happens to have a few of those) to confirm. Yes, they were 100% sure haha. Happiness!

I could barely believe it in many, many weeks, I was so worried. There was so much at stake! But after the worse nausea passed, and I got to do an ultrasound where I could really see him moving around in there, it became more and more real. My baby. It was a boy! My son. It had worked 🥰

Gaaah. I was finally pregnant. JOY and so many feelings! I’ve been struggling to get to this goal and still, the emotional ups and downs were very present. Certainly the worry of getting a miscarriage, or if my baby would be sick, questioning how much I would need to change my life and how that would affect me. 

And also the definite emptiness of romantic love and a relationship (well, for now - one never knows what the future holds!). 

But now, there was a clear change in my life, no turning back and I felt both relieved and sad. Happy and scared. All of the feelings. In the depth of it - that’s when I wrote “Happy Tears”. 

I would be so grateful if YOU wanted to be a part of this song! Please consider contributing to the making of it with all the other generous fans whom I am very thankful for! 

This will be a memory to keep for my son Malcolm - that my fans funded this song and it was about him making it into my life 🥰